Ok, Cupid.. You Dick.

The time is WAY late, or WAY early, depending of course, on your view of things. It seems that I like to write way past the tolling of the witching hour. -shrug- However, I find myself unable to drift away into the never never land that slumber offers. I’ve done some reading, yes, I am still on Jane Eyre, and yes it is a fantastic novel. I’ve done some Facebooking, and some Pinning via Pinterest, and here I am, now having a bit of a 90’s flashback listening to Everything But the Girl. These two really are quite fantastic if you’re into that trippy, trip hop, electronic sort of thing; which I am. I realise that I am digressing, but I am trying to aptly collect my thoughts.

Well, here goes. I am single. I am so single that Bush II was in office the last time I was in a relationship, and let me just ignore the randy little sex monster in the back of my head screaming for attention. -sigh- Oh boy is that little monster screaming!! In the outset of my singleton awareness, I was happy as a lark, that is, happy as a lark can be with a broken heart, an empty bank account, an ailing parent, and well.. let me just suffice things to say that when I became single, life wasn’t that great both globally, or personally in my own little zip code. At the time, I lived in Pennsylvania. I’d moved up there when I was 24, and very soon after I’d met a boy whom I thought was THE boy, and set out to live happily ever after. Fast forward five years, and many mistakes later, we broke up, and I moved back home, to Tennessee.

At the time, like I said, my mom was sick, and I threw myself, with some vigor, into my work and into the caring for of her. I pushed the hurt and lonesome, the questions and thoughts, the guilt and recriminations..the stuff people ponder after significant relationships end, out of my mind. I effectively dug a hole into the sand, and thrust my head in, not to come up until four years later. I was doing my best impression of an ostrich, unfortunately, I discovered I wasn’t nearly tall enough, nor the sand deep enough.

So, fast forward another couple of years, to 2011, my circumstances, for better or worse, have somewhat changed. Amanda is ready to get back into the wide, wild world of dating, but where oh where does one begin? I don’t really drink, and I am so not into the clubby scene. Having some sweaty fellow grinding against my nether bits does not a good time make, well, with loud, pulsating music and copious amounts of other people around anyway. I haven’t the foggiest notion of where to begin my search for love. I am, however, wearing my blue bonnet, carrying my blue handbag, with the rolling pin tucked neatly inside… yes, I am doing my best impression of Prissy Hen. “It’s AH MAN!!” and all!

In my search, or rather in my haste, I have gone as far as doing the online dating thing.  I have a couple of observations about that front.

1. There are some creepy people out there.

2. There are some ignorant, uneducated, fools too!

3. I haven’t had the least bit of success. 😦

As I hang my head in shame, I have wondered if perhaps it is me, or if it is them, or even a mix of both. Perhaps my standards are too high? Surely it isn’t bad form for a lady to want her fellow to understand the differences between “they’re,” “there,” & “their.”; to have a steady job, to be articulate, witty, outgoing, enjoy music, film etc. I’m not saying that you absolutely must possess a set of 12 pack anything, a PHd, or make eleventy-bajillion dollars a year. After all, I don’t have any of those things. I am even willing to over look the fact that some of these guys are going to be Republicans, and that the Southern mentality is going to be afoot. After all, I live in the south, it is kind of what it is.

What I don’t understand is the guy who thinks he is being complimentary, but is just all sorts of insulting. Case in point:

I get a message a few days ago:

“i love deceptively intelligent women im very surprised you dont have children by now.”

Uhhh well, what does one thing have to do with the other? So, I cautiously ask this, and anxiously await his reply. All the while I notice and love the irony of the bad grammar.

“…your getting pretty up there.ive read that intelligent and generally successful people are waiting longer while the dumb keep on breeding and generally not being productive.i always wanted a large family just never happened.”

I read this, and pause. Did this bloke just insult my age, and question the verity of my uterus and its reproductive rights? He sure did. How does a guy walk up to a girl, virtually of course, and say, “Hey baby, you’re only as important as what occupies your uterus, and oh wait, there is a time stamp on that bitch! You’re gettin’ old girl, better chain you up to the bed, and let you out to wash the dishes and cook the food!”

I must have scared the poor guy off, as he tucked tail and ran in the other direction when I called him out on his insulting tactics. I went on with the rest of my day, and that night, I lay in bed playing the big spoon to my stuffed frog (don’t judge me haha!) and I thought about the decisions I have made that have gotten me to where I am today. The fact is, I don’t have kids, or a prospective husband in sight. I AM also getting “old,” at age 35 the chances of a woman successfully conceiving a child go down and the chances for birth defects go up. I have about two years until I am 35. I want kids, of course, but if it doesn’t happen, I am ok with that too. There are so many other children in this world that can use a good home, so I am not tied to my reproductive years.

One thing is for sure, I am looking for love. Or, as Buckwheat would say, “Wookin pa’ nub” …in all the wrong places it seems.

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Don’t Martyr My Chicken Sandwich!!!

So, today I finally figured out why the chicken crossed the road. To get away from the religious zealotry, bigotry, and hatred on the other side. Yes, I am going to go there and talk about the Chik-Fil-A scandal, which I know everyone else is talking about too, but I just need to articulate my few cents. 

I am a Southerner by birth, I was born and raised in Tennessee, in a smallish town, in the belt loop of the Bible belt. Growing up, I didn’t go to church on the regular, but I did have a nice hodge podge of experiences within the church. I have visited every house of the Lord, under every denomination: Catholic, Baptist, Southern Baptist (There IS a difference!!) Church of Christ, Methodist, hell my mom even threw in Synagogue for good measure!! You name it, though I have been to a service, with the exceptions of Amish/Mennonite and Pentecostal. Snakes? Not no, but hell no!! In my 20s, I dated a Catholic, and was preparing myself for a lifetime of Catechism, self loathing, and moral debates about contraception and the good Mother. I suppose Catholicism is the doctrine that I feel most at home in, if only for my longer experiences with the group. After giving my background, I feel as though I should preface my upcoming statements with the truth of the matter, I don’t go to church now. This is something that I have found lacking in my life, and do feel a loss of my spirituality. 

However, not all of my experiences with Christianity, regardless of flavor, have been that positive. In elementary school, I went to a private Christian school, and enjoyed my time playing games, and singing songs about Joshua and the Battle of Jericho, Noah’s Ark, and the like. I was enthralled by the stories, and thought it was all simply that, stories. Of course, what does a second grader with learning disabilities know about religion and what not? Moving along to high school, I did the unthinkable, at the start of my Sophomore year I moved to a different state, 30 minutes away, and went to a new school. My first day there, a girl approached me, asked me if I went to church and when I said no, she said that I simply must attend hers, and only hers else I am destined to an eternity of utter damnation in the fiery pits of hell. Yay to being the new girl!! Mind you, this was a small town, and small towns being what they are.. I chalked it up to just that, and eventually ended up being good friends with my judgmental friend. 

A couple of years ago, I was invited to visit church with my half brother, which was interesting in that we were just learning to know one another, but I went, and I enjoyed until the guy on the pulpit decided to condemn the female population of his congregation by explaining to the men present that all of their faults throughout their lives were a product of the women sitting beside them. What complete, utter bollocks! I was positively livid! Great intro brother! 

Over the years, I have discovered that the fault isn’t in the religion itself, but rather with the people who choose to peddle said doctrine to the masses. I found the proof in that statement last year when I went to Atlanta with a friend and ended up visiting the Trinity Anglican Mission. I wish that I had made the time to re-visit this church over the last year. I had just lost my mom a few months prior to my visit, and much of my life for the last couple of years have been full of questions, comments, concerns, and even an interpretive dance or two. Trinity, I felt, was a place where I could find acceptance, where I could have my questions met with knowledge, wonder, debate, and I could learn. In that singular visit on that September Sunday, I felt like I’d come the closest to coming home that I’d felt in a long time. The minster, he wasn’t so much of a minister, but more of just a regular guy who was having a conversation with a bunch of other regular people about something that he believes in, rather passionately. Not once did I feel belittled, ignorant, or that I was being sold something. It was an eye opening experience, which has changed my thoughts and perceptions of Christianity in general, but there is still a long way to go! 

So, why did I spend the last several paragraphs volunteering my religious background? I felt the preamble necessary, as I have to freely admit that I don’t read the Bible, despite having an app, and several copies of the King James on my shelves. Hey, the Gideon’s lived for trolling my neighborhood when I was a kid. This doesn’t mean that I am illiterate to the word of God, I’m not. I get the gist, and up until recently, that has been good enough for me. 

To bring up another conversation that I am not well versed in, politics, I have to mention that the Republican party has been T-Bagged (pun intended) by the Tea Party, trying to align their idiot dogma with the well meaning regular Right Wing. The only reason I have the ability to skim the surface of the Tea Party, is because I have HBO, and watch The Newsroom. (Don’t judge me dammit! It has been an education!!) 

I align myself with the left, I am a registered Democrat. I am White, I am straight. I believe that women have the right to choose. I believe that health care should be readily available for all, and that anyone and everyone should have the right to marry whomever they damn well please. I believe that everyone should have to pay taxes, and those of you who make more money, and live in a higher tax bracket should have to pay higher taxes. I also think that if you wish to own a gun, more power to you, and finally, I believe in a separation of church and state. 

Obviously, the owners of a privately owned company (not sure if it is public or private, but going with private) like Chik-Fil-A has the right to believe and do as they please. Last time I checked, this was a free country. We have those inalienable rights to free speech, free religion, press, etc. It shouldn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that the CFA brand is more on the conservative side. Hello, they are based in Atlanta. Georgia is one of the most conservative states in the Union. Every election year, the poor Dems get the stuffing kicked out of them. It has been a conservative state since hell, when it became a state. Obviously the definitions of conservatives and liberals, or rather Republicans and Democrats have changed since the Civil War, but the sentiments are the same. Also, the company, as a whole is closed on Sunday. There is nothing more trying to one’s soul than waking up on a Sunday morning and craving the tasty sandwich and forgetting that the damn place is closed! Still, I can respect that. Actually, I think that it is admirable that the CFA company as a whole are trying to maintain, in a way, family values; something sorely lacking in today’s society. However, from personal standpoint, I disagree with COO Cathy. 

As a whole, I think that it is wrong of him to bring his company, and the poor beleaguered Chicken Sandwich into the national conversation with his beliefs that marriage should be between a man and a woman. Do not use your company, and align the beliefs of it’s people with those of the Right, or Mr. Cathy. It isn’t fair, and it is far from right. Who is it for Mr. Cathy, or anyone else for that matter, to judge the members of the gay community? Doesn’t God, the Bible, and Jesus teach us to love everyone? Isn’t that the purpose of Jesus’ sacrifice? It is His job, and His will to judge everyone here. No one else. 

My sister asked me if I would stop eating at Chik Fil A after the whole controversy broke. Nah, I won’t. Just like it isn’t the fault of the server if the kitchen messes up the order, it isn’t the fault of the poor chicken that I don’t align myself with the beliefs of Mr. Cathy, the Tea Party, or the Conservative groups in general. Besides, that $6 I spend there every now and then, isn’t going to make a bit of difference. 

There are so many other pressing issues in our world. 

Life’s Purposes

The time is roughly 2 a.m. and here I sit, encased in my comfy bed, laptop in hand, trying to divert the odd feelings I have burning in my chest at this early/late hour, depending upon how you look at things, of course. This is not my first time at blogging, I have, for the better part of a year, maintained a blog on tumblr; spifferly.tumblr.com if you’re curious, check it out. So, why the change? I have been thinking of making the change for several months now, as I use Pinterest.com for my dabbling in all things photogenic. I suppose I want to maintain a platform where I can completely be myself, candid, open, serious, silly, and and unrelentingly quixotic.

My interests in this life are vast and varied. I love reading, (currently reading Jane Eyre and falling in love with Rochester!) Like the funny tidbit I found online somewhere, I am always finding myself falling madly in love with characters in my novels and finding them irrationally more important than some of the people in my every day life. I find that I would rather while away a day with a novel than waste my free time watching t.v. unless The Newsroom or Strike Back (If you don’t have Cinemax, get it)  are on. Yes, I watch a little more than those two, but they, by far, have my heart in hand right now. I will freely admit that Jeff Daniels and Sullivan Stapleton have a LOT to do with my obsessions, for altogether different reasons.

I also write, bastardly, I have so many stops and starts in my writing that I don’t really know if I will ever be able to finish one of these stories laid up. My muse went on permanent vacation, the sneaky bitch. -sigh- I wish she’d return I also like to take photos, watch movies that make me cry, dream of the ballet, and pine over unrequited love and the ideal of a size 8 body. Shoes, saving the world, and owning my own home are also on the brain, but then so is running away to Paris. I also love foreign cars, but hate that the Audi A3 will always live in my mind as the “Submissive Special” Thanks for that, you crappy writer you! And, yes, while I enjoyed the 50 Shades stories, I thought the grammar and syntax were crap.

So, where do these rather common hobbies leave me in my life’s purposes? I am still trying to sort all of that out. At the heart of it all, I am just a girl looking for a boy to love. I live with my sister, and a cat. I ponder, daily, the ideals of love, children, adulthood, and the like. Despite being in my 30’s, I still find myself to be very similar to the girl I was at 19: lost, hopeful, and eager.

Despite being burned by love once before, I have noticed in my solitude, that there is still a lot of miles left on these tires, so to speak. So, we shall see what my purposes in life are. Right now, I am going to go with sleep.